But for many people, pronouns are also a source of confusion — especially in the context of gender identity.
Like everything else in language and culture, our use of pronouns is always evolving. Here’s what to keep in mind.
Pronouns & Gender Identity: 4 Things to Know
Ah, pronouns.
These tiny words turn up everywhere, supposedly adding ease and simplicity to how we communicate.
1. A person’s pronouns may not match their gender identity.
Pronouns
- Ex. “He/him,” “she/her,” “they/them,” “xe/xyr,” etc.
- This is how you generally refer to yourself in conversation because, for whatever reason, it’s most comfortable for you.
Gender identity
-
Ex. Male, female, nonbinary, agender, gender fluid, etc.
-
This is your personal, individual sense of who you are, and how you personally relate — or don’t — to concepts like “male” and “female.”
How do gender and pronouns relate?
Many people assume they’re the same thing: that the pronouns a person uses are always tied to their gender. But that’s not true for everyone.
After all, gender identity can be very personal and complex. Meanwhile, pronouns are designed to be quick and easy.
Whatever your gender, you can use any pronouns you wish.
Some people use pronouns that match their gender.
- Ex. A woman may use “she/her” pronouns.
- Ex. A nonbinary person may use “they/them” pronouns.
Some people use pronouns that don’t match their gender.
- Ex. A woman may use “they/them” pronouns.
- Ex. A nonbinary person may use “she/her” pronouns.
There can be many reasons a person uses certain pronouns. In general, it boils down to what feels most comfortable.
2. If someone uses “they/them” pronouns, it doesn’t automatically mean they’re nonbinary.
If someone uses “they/them” pronouns, they could identify as nonbinary — or they could identify as male or female, agender, gender fluid or anything else.
Anyone, of any gender, may use “they/them” pronouns.
Ex. A man who uses “they/them” pronouns
- This person is a man: They identify and experience life as a man.
- This man uses “they/them” pronouns: When you refer to them, use “they/them.”
Of course, this also means that nonbinary people may choose any pronouns they wish. This certainly includes “they/them.” It also includes everything else.
Ex. A nonbinary person who uses “she/her” pronouns
- This person is nonbinary: They identify as something other than male or female.
- This nonbinary person uses “she/her” pronouns: When you refer to her, use “she/her.”
3. Using gender neutral pronouns is easier than you think.
If you’re worried you don’t know how to use “they/them” to talk about a single person — don’t be. You probably do it all the time without realizing it.
Just think about any time you’ve referred to an unknown person.
Ex. You’re looking forward to an event.
- Unknown person: “I wonder who the guest speaker is. I bet they’re interesting.”
- Specific person who uses “they/them”: “Dr. Green is the guest speaker. I bet they’re interesting.”
Ex. You receive flowers — lucky you — but don’t know from who.
- Unknown person: “The sender forgot to put their name on the card!”
- Specific person who uses “they/them”: “Jordan forgot to put their name on the card!”
Ex. You find a lost phone in the library and bring it to the front desk.
- Unknown person: “Someone dropped their phone. Can you help return it to them?”
- Specific person who uses “they/them”: “Alex dropped their phone. Can you help return it to them?”
Notice how, when we aren’t sure of someone’s pronouns, we naturally use “they/them”?
This is also a great approach when you first meet someone.
For many people, “they/them” is a respectful choice until you’ve had the chance to ask what their pronouns are.
They/them!
The singular use of “they/them” has been around since the 1300s, and was used by famous writers like Shakespeare.
Meanwhile, the singular use of “you” didn’t emerge till three centuries later, in the 1600s.
4. It’s important to ask people what their pronouns are, and respect them.
Using someone’s pronouns may seem like a small thing, but in truth, it’s powerful. It’s a way to show respect and acceptance. For many people, particularly trans youth, that makes all the difference. Studies show that using a trans person’s correct pronouns may even reduce their risk of death by suicide.
So if you’re not already, try getting in the habit of sharing your pronouns with other people, and asking them for theirs.
Our pronouns aren’t just a “preference.” They’re part of who we are. Which means they’re crucial to feeling seen and valued by those around us.
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